Get the Hell out of my House!

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Scene from 2 Act-Play

Frank is dead. She cannot be seen, heard or felt by the living. She quickly becomes suitably frustrated as a couple moves into her home!
Before she can shift these new arrivals, her neighbours are dying and joining her in the silent world of the dead. Now that Frank finally has people to talk to, she must decide whether she wants to starts a new life with the dead or discover her lost past with the living. As mysteries unravels and tensions increase, all swiftly become entrapped in a plot of murder, mystery and madness.

Scene Note:
The Tottinghams and their crude lawyer, Goliath, have moved into Frank’s home. After desperately trying to get them out, she has resigned herself that no-one can hear her and reluctantly let them stay.
However, the group are suddenly interrupted by a blunt knocking at the front door.
FRANK’s dialogue is kept in italics to remind the cast (and reader) that she cannot be heard by the living. Her remarks are for herself and the audience.


VERONICA Hi there! I’m Veronica Millard Hyphen Tottingham. You must be Harry?
GOLIATH That’s not him…
VERONICA Oh no. How awkward.
FRANK (corrects) Now, yeah, this is awkward.
MICHAEL Can we help you?
MILKMAN I am here to collect payment.
GOLIATH Whatever for?
MILKMAN For my produce.
VERONICA Your… produce?
MILKMAN I left produce in salt bin around the side of house.
VERONICA Oh! You hear that, Michael? We have a salt bin!
FRANK (frustrated) My salt bin.
MILKMAN The salt keeps it fresh.
FRANK (agrees) That actually makes sense.
MILKMAN I am here to collect payment.
MICHAEL Yes, we know that.
GOLIATH I’ve got this Michael. It will just be a small financial misunderstanding between the locals. How much does he owe you?
GOLIATH How much?
GOLIATH Yes, but how much is much?
MILKMAN Much much.
VERONICA Sorry, my love. What exactly is your profession and produce?
MILKMAN I am the Milkman. I deliver milk.
VERONICA We have a Milkman, Michael. We have a Milkman!
MICHAEL Yes I know, Veronica. I do own ears.
MILKMAN I have come here to collect payment for my milk. My wife… she makes it herself.
VERONICA What do you mean she makes it / herself
MILKMAN (interrupts) She makes it herself. She is a strong lady.
VERONICA Well that sounds… lovely, but I’m on this special lack-lactose diet / at the moment.
MILKMAN (interrupts) Everyone drinks my wife’s milk.
MICHAEL We don’t.
MILKMAN Not yet.
GOLIATH Guess it’s worth a try…
VERONICA That is so like you. Accepting a random woman’s milk.
MILKMAN She will be very happy to hear you accepted. Here is the milk.
[Milkman shoves milk into Goliath’s hands]
GOLIATH And how much is this?
MILKMAN This is free.
VERONICA Ahh! That’s so sweet of you!
MILKMAN The rest in the salt bin is not.
MICHAEL Surely you shouldn’t just be dropping off your wife’s fluids wherever you please and demand payment.
MILKMAN My wife is a strong lady. We all drink her milk.
MICHAEL Or what?
MILKMAN You will have low calcium.
MICHAEL This is pointless. Thank you for the milk. You can go now.
MILKMAN Welcome to your new home. I will be back later. Payment is still due.
MICHAEL Could you bring an invoice? Gareth, I want this on record.
GOLIATH Yes, that would be ever so helpful. Gareth Goliath.
MILKMAN Goliath?
FRANK Haha! Stop it. You’re killing me! / Again!!
GOLIATH. Yes. I am Michael’s Attorney and I want to see an invoice of this transaction.
MILKMAN I will ask my wife. She is /
MICHAEL (interrupts) A strong woman. Yes, we know.
MILKMAN A fine Mathematician. She studied at Oxford.
VERONICA We must talk more about your wife later. She sounds udderly fascinating!